"You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the twelve. Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God." (John 6:67-69)
These words have been in my heart and mind for the last week. Peter's words have resonated deeply within me. Jesus had just given one of his hardest and weirdest teachings where he told people that basically to have life they had to eat his flesh and drink his blood. Talk about vampires and crazy stuff...this is a little out there and creepy right? As a result of him saying this, most of the people that had been following him left. They said "this is a hard teaching...who can accept this?" And then they turned back and no longer followed him. To that, Jesus' asks his questions to the twelve apostles: "Are you gonna leave too?"
When I hear Peter's response, I don't hear it in a bold, take on the world, save the day type of tone. I hear a gentle, humble and even scared reply of "where would we go?" Yeah, what you just said is confusing and weird and a little scary, but where else are we going to go? What would we do? We've already left everything, we've already seen and experienced too much of you to go back to just doing what we used to.
I guess in a way, that is what I feel like. Over the last year or so I have seen and experienced God doing some crazy things in my life. I have gotten to be a part of things that are bigger than myself. I have found a sense of identity and freedom in trying to do the best I can to seek first His Kingdom and leave the things of the world behind. I am learning to leave behind the things other people tell me I should care about and instead, I am trying to pursue the things and people that God cares about.
I have experienced the humbling feeling of having no idea how things would get taken care of financially, only to have friends and family "randomly" provide for us. We have always been taken care of. God continually uses his people to take care of us and it is always in perfect timing. I have also seen doors open for relationships that I could have never planned on my own. I have experienced freedom.
There is freedom in not feeling pressure to uphold an image that the world says we should have. There is freedom in not feeling like I have to do something really cool in order to have value. There is freedom in knowing that my identity is in who I am in Christ and in trying to live life like Jesus did - loving God and loving people.
So, like Peter, I too have been ruined. I have been ruined by the experiences I have had in the few moments when I do get it right and pursue the things that God cares about. In those moments I experience him and get a glimpse of what life can be like if I do put His Kingdom first. And when I see that, there is no way I can go back to settling with how things used to be. The things of this world are no longer satisfying. I cannot settle to go back to make more money, or have more stuff, or to be more absorbed in myself or to try to define myself by the "good things" that I do. I am ruined.
Now, do I know exactly what the future holds for us? Nope. Am I scared sometimes? Yes. Do I get things right every time? Absolutely not. However, I share in Peter's reply - "Lord, to whom shall I go? You have the words of eternal life. I believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.
So what about you? Have you been ruined?
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